This is the sound of settling…

I’ve always had a pretty sunny, probably slightly annoying, disposition. I feel suddenly different. Call it a just-turned-forty epiphany but I think I’m beginning to accept that sometimes things suck and no one is living their absolute ideal life.
Are they? Are you? Do people think you’re an asshole? Do you care? And if you don’t, please tell me how you do it.
I am in a median level job with a few great people and several awful ones doing work that is terribly monotonous. I am a wife of a man who tries to still like me even though I am not the woman he married…and a mother of two brilliant and lovely children who I am assuredly going to fuck up.
It doesn’t crush me for 2 reasons:
1) I’m convinced that I’m helping people at work, both internal and external customers
2) I have a great group of friends that I drink, dance, curse and laugh with.
It’s a delicate balance and probably (any psychologists about?) not entirely healthy but completely understandable.
But I feel my discontent brewing, I feel resentment toward people I love, I feel caged, burdened, exhausted, ready to crawl out of my skin. But what ends up bubbling forth is guilt…big and bad…pushing me back down and convincing me that doing anything for myself is selfish, terrible and unforgivable. Will it get better when my children are adults, more independent? I guess I’m just going to wait and see.

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